


Grandma Coulson's Secret Hangover Cure

by kimuracarter, YumeArashi



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Animal Transformation, Crack, Drunken Shenanigans, Drunkenness, Genderswap, Hangover, Humor, Kid Fic, Mildly Dubious Consent, Multi, Sex Pollen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-10
Updated: 2013-10-10
Packaged: 2017-12-28 23:56:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/998425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimuracarter/pseuds/kimuracarter, https://archiveofourown.org/users/YumeArashi/pseuds/YumeArashi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Avengers pay the price when Loki wreaks havoc with a mix of alcohol and magic. Coulson is left to contain the damage.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Grandma Coulson's Secret Hangover Cure

**Author's Note:**

> We wrote this while suffering from exhaustion and con!stupid at DragonCon 2012. That is our excuse. Enjoy!

It was not unusual for Phil Coulson to get a call from Director Fury that consisted of some variant of, "Get your ass back here." 

However, when he responded with his standard, "What have they done now, sir?" he was not expecting, "There's a goddamn black panther on the bridge! And that isn't even the weirdest thing going on!"

"Old friend of yours, sir?"

"NO! An actual black panther with fur and claws and a bad attitude! Now get back here!"

Phil blinked. "I'll be right there."

~~~

Fury had been right. That wasn't the weirdest thing, though it was a tough call as to what topped the list. 

SHIELD had maneuvered the helicarrier as close to the city as possible and managed to get the Avengers back to Stark Tower via helicopter. Coulson listened as Maria Hill filled him in on the situation.

"We managed to get most of the story from Agent Barton. Apparently, the whole group went to Asgard to celebrate with Thor. With the exception of Doctor Banner, they all consumed large amounts of alcohol. It seems that Asgardian alcohol does not agree well with humans. They appear to be both drunk and hungover at the same time.

"And, if that weren't enough -- look out!" 

They both stepped to the side as a pint-sized Thor went streaking by, golden hair flying. "To victory!" he shouted in a child's voice, swinging Mjolnir alarmingly. The hammer was bigger than the child's head.

Following mini-Thor was what could only be described as a mini-Hulk, happily smashing away at anything nearby that Thor had left intact. 

"Asgardian mead does that?" Coulson asked.

Hill shook her head. "No, that was Loki. Someone was a little sour that he didn't get invited to the party." 

"So, they're all children?"

"No, that might be easier. Loki was feeling creative." The words had hardly left her mouth when the aforementioned black panther came stalking into the room. "That would be Agent Romanov."  
Although many would probably describe Natasha as having cat-like grace, as a gigantic cat, she was not very graceful at the moment. Her claws were skittering on the floor as she tried to keep her balance. 

"I take it she retains her personality?"

"Yes. In fact, she's been oddly protective of the children."

"Better than deciding to eat them."

"But if she tries to bathe Thor one more time, she's going to get a hammer to the face." 

"Where's Agent Barton?"

"Probably in the bathroom throwing up, I would imagine. In addition to being both drunk and hungover ... He's probably still in shock." 

"Oh?"

"A sudden gender change can do that to you."

"Sounds like he got off lightly so far. Where's Stark?" 

"Just follow the sounds of clanking and cursing from the lab," she responded. "The suit has been fused into a single piece. He can't get out."

"Is he also hungover and drunk?"

"Of course. This is Stark we're talking about."

"Please tell me his face plate is up."

"Thankfully, yes. Otherwise .... well, he might have drowned by now." 

"Agent Coulson?" an unusually breathy voice inquired.

Phil turned his attention to Steve Rogers, who was currently staggering in his direction. Captain America was still in his uniform except for the cowl. His face was flushed and sweaty as he hobbled forward, one arm holding his stomach. Below the waist, however, seemed to be a much more obvious problem. 

"Yes, let's just say that that's not a banana, and Captain Rogers is very happy to see everyone."

Coulson felt his cheeks flush with heat. "I ... see." 

"Phil, it's so good to see you," Steve gushed as he continue to stagger forward, clearly worse for wear. 

"Oh good, he's moved on to someone other than me," Maria muttered. 

"Steve, it looks like you need to lie down."

"Yeah, that would be great. Come with me?"

Phil stuttered, not something he was accustomed to doing. But Captain America was hitting on him. 

"I mean, I'm not tired, so we can, uh, do ... things besides sleep, and I ..." His face suddenly turned an alarming shade of green. "I gotta go!" He turned right around and made for the nearest bathroom. 

Phil breathed a silent sigh of relief. The quiet was interrupted by Tony flying by in his suit. He was chased not only by Thor, the Hulk, and cat!Natasha, but also several bots. 

"Sir, if you would stand still, we would be able to assist you," JARVIS said calmly. 

"Drilling a hole in the crotch of my suit is NOT assistance! There are important things down there!"

"You will need to relieve yourself at some point, sir."

"Then figure out how to get me out of this thing!" 

"The might of Mjolnir can free you!" child Thor cried, still chasing Tony. 

"Hulk smash!" baby Hulk agreed. 

As the train of destruction flew out of view and into the kitchen, Phil could hear Tony yell, "Get away from me, you miniature menaces! JARVIS, a little help?!"

"That's what I'm trying to give you, sir."

At that point, Agent Barton stumbled out of the bathroom. Even under the black, oversized t-shirt, it was obvious that there were some ... additions to his -her? - anatomy. 

"Agent Barton, where are your pants?" Coulson asked. 

Clint glared behind his suddenly longer hair. "They didn't fit! And Natasha is being territorial about her room." 

Maria turned to Coulson with a smirk. "Well, there's your assignment. The rest of us will try to figure out how to get them back to normal." 

"Fury has me babysitting."

"As usual, Phil. Have fun." 

Phil looked at the chaos around him and allowed himself a small sigh. 

 

Steve reappeared and watched Tony flying around. "Tony! Tony, slow down. I-I need you to ... come keep me company!"

Tony stopped suddenly in mid air, narrowly managing to pull his legs up so that the children ran under him instead of into him. "What?"

Steve seemed to be struggling for words, to say the least. "Come to bed with me!"

Tony considered this for a moment. "JARVIS! Get me out of this thing!" He thunked to the floor, ineffectually pulling at the fused armor. Steve staggered over to help, also pulling at the armor and kissing Tony sloppily. 

"Well ... that's kinda hot," Clint commented. "Think they'd let me join in?"

"Shut up, Barton. It's not like they can get anywhere."

"But Stark's face plate is up --" 

Phil clamped his hand over Clint's mouth. "Don't give them any ideas. Come on, I can use your help in the kitchen." 

"What about them?"

"They're fused at the lips, and Tony's fused in his suit. They'll be occupied for a while. And the rampaging trio can only cause so much damage. JARVIS, seal off the kitchen and alert me if anything life threatening happens." 

"Yes, Agent Coulson." 

"What are we doing? I could really go for some chocolate ..."

"We’re going to make a batch of Grandma Coulson’s secret hangover cure.” 

"...You have a working hangover cure and you never told me? What the hell?" Clint scowled.

“I can’t imagine the state of your liver if I let you have it every time you and Stark get going. Besides, I told you, it’s a secret.” 

"You're an asshole, Phil."

“Look at it this way: if you can manage to not run to the bathroom in the middle of making it, you’ll know the recipe.”

"I can hold it," Clint said sulkily.

“Good. Then let’s get to work.” 

...As it turned out, Clint didn't learn the recipe.

~~~

When Phil and Clint finally emerged from the kitchen, the living area was in considerably worse shape than when they had left it. Pieces of the Iron Man suit were lying around, having been carefully cut off by the droids that were still working on freeing Tony. 

Steve and Tony were still making out, though Tony could now at least wrap his freed arms around Steve. 

Thor and the miniature Hulk were happily banging on the Iron Man suit pieces. 

Clint eyed Steve and Tony appreciatively. "Think we could just let 'em be? They sure don't seem to be suffering."

“Well, they look that way now. Wait until one of them gets nauseous again. It won’t be so pretty then.” He flushed slightly, realizing what he had said. 

Clint gave Coulson a knowing smirk before stepping over to the pair. "Hey, guys, peel yourselves off each other long enough to take Coulson's hangover cure."

Tony held out a hand blindly without detatching himself from Steve's mouth.

“Steve, you’re going to need to let go of Tony long enough to drink this,” Coulson said, stepping up behind Clint. He winced as Thor ran over his toes, swinging Mjolnir merrily. 

Steve looked up blearily. “What?” 

Clint took one cup and held it to Steve's mouth. "Drink, idiot."

Steve nodded and drank the cup down. He picked up the next one off the tray and held it for Tony as he drank, since his fingers were still encased in metal. 

Tony finished his in one gulp, grimacing at the taste and immediately sealed his lips back against Steve's.

“Okay, three down, including you. Think Natasha will claw our eyes out if we put it in a bowl for her?”

"Probably, but compared to what she'd do if we tried to pour it down her throat..." 

“Good point.” Phil returned briefly to the kitchen to fetch a bowl and poured the final cup into it. He looked up as Natasha stalked towards him, Thor now joyously riding on her back.

“Forward, mighty steed!” 

Natasha paused and gave him a Look. Clint hurried forward to pluck little Thor from her back before her patience ran out. Honestly, he was astonished she'd put up with it at all. "C'mon buddy, I think kitty doesn't want to be a steed anymore."

Thor began to fuss, and Clint put him down and let him go back to bashing Iron Man pieces with his hammer. 

Phil watched carefully as Natasha glared at everyone before bending to lap up the hangover cure from the bowl. 

Clint volunteered to take the dishes back to the kitchen. Maybe if he set one aside, Tony and Bruce could analyze the dregs and figure out how to re-create the cure. It was remarkably effective.

Phil kept an eye on the “kids,” the cat, and the Steve/Tony sandwich. When enough time had passed, he decided that Clint was getting distracted by his own anatomy and rolled his eyes. 

Tony glanced over at Clint, who was currently squeezing a double handful of his chest with a rather idiotic grin. "Hey, Barton, nice rack. Get your ass over here and we'll test-drive that shit."

Steve followed Tony’s gaze, and his eyes widened. “Yes, please, join us Clint!” 

They didn't have to ask twice, Clint was all too happy to oblige.

Phil simply stood back as the three of them made a tangled pile, kissing, tasting, and groping awkwardly. The bots also stood back, unsure of how to make further progress without injuring anyone.  
Behind him, the children continued playing obliviously, and the panther rolled her eyes.

~~~

 

It took some hunting and bargaining, but SHIELD had finally tracked down Loki and made a deal with him to lift the curse. As Maria and Director Fury entered Stark Tower, Hill couldn’t help but smile at the situation she had left Coulson in. 

Contrary to expectations, however, Stark Tower looked as though the earlier chaos had never occurred. There were a few items missing, true, but the damage had been repaired and the mess cleared away. Natasha was napping serenely on the couch, tail occasionally twitching, but the others were nowhere to be seen.

“Phil?” Maria called. She could practically feel Fury frowning at her. 

A moment later, Phil walked into the living area and nodded at them both. 

"Report, agent," Fury said crisply. 

“All members of the Avengers are safe and accounted for, sir,” Phil answered easily. He gestured for them to follow him towards the sleeping quarters. 

“But … how?” Maria sputtered.

“Shhh, don’t wake them,” Phil whispered, gesturing to one of the bedroom. 

Maria blinked as she took in the occupied bed and sleeping bags spread on the floor.

Tony and Steve and Clint were piled atop Tony's large bed (Tony finally out of the rest of the armor), where they had fallen asleep mid-makeout session. Coulson had had the unenviable task of extracting hands from improper places and arranging them in a more decorous fashion. Little Thor and tiny Bruce - human once more - had sleeping bags next to one another, and Thor was happily hugging his new friend.

"How many drugs did you have to feed them?" Fury asked.

“Just Grandma Coulson’s secret hangover cure, sir,” Phil replied. “Works every time.” 

Fury snorted. "That says disturbing things about your family, Coulson. But good work. As expected."

“Phil, somehow, you still manage to impress me,” Maria murmured, looking at the peaceful, sleeping Avengers. 

“So, I take it we have a solution for the … problems, sir?” Phil asked. 

"Loki has agreed to lift the spell, in exchange for video footage of the affected Avengers," Fury told him, a hint of a smirk tugging at his normally grim mouth.

Phil looked slightly surprised but then nodded. “I’m sure JARVIS can provide us with that. Though I’m fairly certainly Captain Rogers would appreciate the video not making it out to the Earth media.” 

"This is Loki we're talking about," Fury snorted. "We'll be lucky if he doesn't broadcast it on the Jumbotron at Wrigley Field."

~~~

"Good morning, sir," JARVIS announced. "The time is --"

“Nnngh, enough, J,” Tony mumbled. He was tangled up in a pile of bodies. Huh. That hadn’t happened in a while. Who....

Steve slowly opened his eyes and stretched, bonking his elbow into someone. "Huh?" He looked over at Tony. There was someone was snoring behind him. He tried not to panic. "What the heck ...?"

“Hey,” Tony grinned, remembering the day before. “Wanna pick up where we left off?”

"Where we -- what did -- what happened?! I mean, I remember ... "

“I remember one hot make-out session” Clint sat up behind Steve, looking a little disappointed at being back to normal.

Steve looked over at Clint. "And I touched your -- oh no -- did anything else happen? Besides the kissing?!"

“Just a little harmless groping,” Tony said, looking rather satisfied at the memory.

Steve calmed down a little. He did feel embarrassed, but it didn't look like either of his partners had minded one bit. 

“I’m cool with that if you guys are,” Clint shrugged.

“Pretty sure I’m more than okay.”

Steve felt himself blushing and nodded. "Yeah, I think so. I mean, it's like not anyone else will ever know ..."

Tony sat up and stretched. “We should do this again some time.”

"Yeah, that would be great," Steve answered without thinking. His blush deepened. He sat up further and looked around the room, spotting Thor and Bruce asleep practically on top of each other.

Bruce stirred as Tony watched, yawning hugely and rubbing at his eyes.

Thor stretched and opened his eyes, grinning at his teammates. "A good morning to you all! I hope you enjoyed the hospitality of Asgard!"

“The hospitality of Asgard, yes. That of your brother, not so much,” Tony snorted.

"Yeah, I haven't been sick in a long time. But that was almost the sickest I've ever been," Steve groaned. 

“Someone needs to kick that guy’s ass,” Clint agreed.

"Count me in," Natasha added, walking into the bedroom in a bathrobe. "I'm still hacking up hairballs." She looked at Thor and Bruce. "You two got off easy."

“No argument here,” Bruce conceded.

“Yeah, mini-Hulk was pretty adorable, actually,” Tony grinned at him.

"Aye, you were a fine playmate," Thor added. "Now that everyone is well, we should partake of breakfast." 

There was general agreement all around, and they trooped into the kitchen arguing over what to make.

Phil looked up as the Avengers filed in. "Good morning. I took the liberty of making you breakfast." 

”You’re a god among men,” Clint told him, piling a plate high.

“JARVIS, put the news on, will you?” Tony asked.

"Stark, I wouldn't do that if I were you --" Phil began. 

Steve stared in horror at the screen that popped up with the news. There was video of him making out with Clint and Steve. 

“Oooh, make a copy of that for me, will you J?” Tony said appreciatively.

"What -- how -- why?!" Steve stuttered.

"Loki's price for reversing the curse was video evidence of its effects," Coulson explained.

“Did I already say that someone needs to kick his ass? Because someone really need to kick his ass,” Clint shook his head.

Thor laughed as the footage showed him riding around on top of Natasha. 

"And this is what Loki decided to do with it?" Steve cried. "Share it with the world? Who wants to see this kind of weird stuff about famous people anyway?" 

”Everyone, duh,” Tony said. 

Steve shook his head and tried to look elsewhere. "At least we weren't naked." 

"There are worse things," Coulson agreed, pouring cups of coffee. 

“And some of those worse things need to happen to Loki,” Natasha suggested.

"This is nothing when compared to the pranks Loki and I played on each other as children," Thor stated. 

"Is there video of that?" Natasha asked. 

Tony grinned. “If you can get me footage, I can get it out into the world every bit as widely as he just did.”

"Aye, I believe there are records of it," Thor agreed. 

Coulson tried not to snicker too much into his coffee.

~~~

The End!

**Author's Note:**

> We do not own the Avengers or any associated characters. We make no profit from this work of fiction.


End file.
